I feel like I just had emotional Lasik and I can see better...

Ya know what's a real bitch?


Hindsight.


You know what's an even bigger bitch?


Denial.



It's come to my attention after a sweet little bout of emo-rehab...  that I am a complete idiot.  I cut myself off from... (sigh) living... for way too long.  Unfortunately, this ain't the first idiot rodeo that I've starred in.  ((shakes head))  ...but at least now I know I'm never going back out there, drooling, in my chaps and bike helmet ever again.   Why would I?  "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."  ...I refuse to be one of those insane people... living to struggle, struggling to live.


I can't explain why I laid in bed so many nights thinking, "This is not where I'm supposed to be.  This is not for me.  This isn't giving me what I need," but stayed there.  The only reasoning I can come to is... I have a big heart.  I'm rarely selfish.  Sounds like I'm paying myself a compliment... but I swear I'm not.


Selfish can be really good.  Nay, selfish can be AMAZING.  Selfish is especially becoming of a thirsty, twenty-seven year old woman with no chains... nothing holding me back... no responsibilities... and nobody to answer to.

Selfish would look good on me.  Selfish would look so good on me, in fact, that it would put me in a Christian Dior Couture, red-carpet-event dress and employ a glam squad of at least 20 people to make me look fabulous.  Selfish would feel so good that it would then put me on the arm of an Armani-suited Ryan Gosling  ...and I'd be tuggin' on his skinny, double windsor all night suckin' face, ya feel me?

Selfish would be that goooooood.  Haha.


So fuck!  Why am I not selfish?!


I don't know if it's nature or nurture that made me SUCK at being selfish.  Is being a doormat traceable in your DNA?  My mother was a person who gave too much.  I would get angry at her for not spoiling herself... and here I am:  Little Miss Hypocrisy.  Way to go, Danielle.  Swell.  Did I learn this from her?


I'm too afraid to hurt people.... in turn... I'm shorting myself.


I'm working on it.


No, not the hurting people part.

Being more honest to get my needs met!  I need to ask for help when I need it. I need to learn to say no.  I need to learn to stop doing things to people-please!



Danielle first.


My mother used to call me Brutus.  ...her ruthless one.  Somewhere along the way of her illness, her death, and grieving her loss...  I stopped being a god damn pirate with a loud mouth and turned into a little lamb.  I've always had a big heart... but... life humbled me far too much.



Far too much humbling has a word...


Fear.


No more of that nonsense.




The other day I asked someone who knew me all through my school years what I was like back then.  "You were the girl who spoke her mind.  Everybody heard you.  You had an opinion.  Everyone knew it.  You stuck to your guns.  Big mouth.  Big heart."



That was who I was before I ever knew ANY hardship that would frighten me into being the wuss-bag I am today.  I'd never been broken.



I'd like to be that person again.  I should be that person.  Because truly...  all the lousy shit in your life should turn you into an optimist!  It primes you to handle anything!  ...I know there is nothing... nothing I can't handle.



I'm very fortunate, ya know, despite anything bad that's ever happened to me.

I've had so much good in my life.  I'm lucky I had my mother at all.  What an amazing person.  Nobody will love me like that ever again.  I'm lucky that I've learned what it's like to lose everything.  I appreciate the things I do have and the good things happening to me even more.  I'm lucky I've had some shitty boyfriends, haha.  I know what a man is and isn't.  I know who I want and who I don't want.  I'm lucky I've had my patience tested because now I have nerves of steel.  I'm lucky I've had to carry other people, because it's made me reliable and strong.  I'm lucky I've learned crisis, loss, and grief...  life will never throw me a curveball I can't hit.



Danielle:  Brick. Shit. House.  





Hindsight.  I was only half-living my life.


Denial.  I refused to see it.



My self-prescribed Remedy?  I'm going to fucking see the world.  :)  Embrace it.  Be spontaneous.  See it all.





That way when I'm laying in bed at night... after seeing everything I needed to see... I will know that's exactly where I'm meant to be.



Danielle

Wanted...

So.... I keep hearing this song on the radio daily... and it's starting to get creepy.  It's Hunter Hayes's, "Wanted."  The thing that's so interesting to me is... this song isn't new.  But I haven't heard it until now...


Sometimes, we ask god for signs... and we become so frustrated, doubting our faith because we aren't presented with some massive, neon red sign that says our answer.  ...but they're there.  They are.  Something is any way...

Makes me think of this video lol:



In 2008 I was living in Orlando, Florida and I knew that the life I was living wasn't right for me.  I was in a relationship that I knew wasn't in my best interest, there were really horrible people trying to take advantage of me, I wasn't living MY life, and I felt I was headed for something that would destroy what was left of my pure heart...  I felt trapped.  It was like I was in this proverbial white room that was filling with water and there was no way out.  I accepted I was in that room for a while.  Even in knee deep water I said, "Meh.  It's only knee deep."  But I soon found myself with my last two inches of breathing room and this, "room," was filling fast... and I couldn't find my way out on my own.


So I said a prayer...


I was laying in my bed... alone... in the dark... and a storm was rolling through.  Every time the lighting struck, the shadow of my window blinds painted the room.  I watched the rain drag itself down my window pane and the palm leaves whipping in the wind.  I sat up.  With my head in my hands I began to sob.  "Please.  Fix this for me.  Even if I hate it.  Even if I try to fight it.  Fix it.  Just close this door for me because I can't.  Make it hard for me to go down this road.  Put me on the right path.  Make it impossible for me and let me hurt if I have to... but help me find my way."


I asked the big guy to, "take the wheel."  (thanks Carrie Underwood)



...and he did.


The next day... as I was moping around, I was given the idea to have a look at my phone bill... I noticed some numbers that I didn't call.  Long story short... I ended up having a conversation with a complete stranger who was involved with my boyfriend.

He couldn't have made it clearer for me.  He heard my prayer and was sick and tired of watching me waste my time.

Two days after that... I rented a car, packed it full of whatever would fit, left the rest, and took myself and my dog home.


I'll never forget that night I asked him for a sign... and he provided.




I don't care if you're not religious... you may believe that we all turn to dirt.  ...and we do.  You may not believe in a higher power or spirituality... and maybe because something hasn't come to you yet.




The morning my mother died... she came to me.  I was laying in a hotel room and I was half asleep.  I was just opening my eyes and through my eyelashes I could see there was a girl next to my bed, she wasn't glowing or anything, she was just standing there in the dark.  She had brown hair and she was smiling so big in my face.  Naturally, that's INSANELY frightening.  Waking up to a person in your face???  Are you kidding?  That's the stuff horror films are made of!  I started thrashing in bed, terrified and in a blink she went away.  I woke up my boyfriend... didn't make mention of the girl... but he snuggled me...it was just my imagination...and I went back to sleep.  Then... I got the call.

My brother's voice... I can still hear it nearly two years later.  He was bawling.  "Danielle?"  I sat up in bed fast with panic just knowing something bad was coming, "Yeah? Yeah? Yeah?"  "Mom's gone."  "What?  What?  What?"


When my mom and I spoke about death, which was hardly ever... she always told me that when she died she'd come say goodbye.


She did...


When things weren't going right, recently, in my personal life I asked both God and my mom to have a sit down and get me on the right track.  I had some big changes in my life... ones that have hurt me so deeply... and ones that are great.  But they've all come at once.  ...in a matter of months.  It's been a lot to cope with... but... Rosemary Legg did not make me a wuss.  I get told I'm an incredibly strong person often... and whenever someone says that I get a lump in my throat and always have an internal comment of, "Am I strong or am I just running on instinct?  Am I like a wounded animal...turning aggressive.. fighting because I don't want to die?"  I don't know.


I can't tell you what this Wanted song is trying to tell me exactly... and you might think that I'm just searching for something and interpreting it as spiritual....


But I know why things haven't worked for me... I haven't felt wanted.  I've felt loved and supported... but wanted?  No...


I need society to want me... so I need a solid career.  I need to find a person someday that makes me feel wanted.  I also want to be the person who sees the world and people want to know...


Most importantly...  I want to want to be myself.  Gotta go find her.  :)



Time to grow up.


I want that.