I feel like I just had emotional Lasik and I can see better...

Ya know what's a real bitch?


Hindsight.


You know what's an even bigger bitch?


Denial.



It's come to my attention after a sweet little bout of emo-rehab...  that I am a complete idiot.  I cut myself off from... (sigh) living... for way too long.  Unfortunately, this ain't the first idiot rodeo that I've starred in.  ((shakes head))  ...but at least now I know I'm never going back out there, drooling, in my chaps and bike helmet ever again.   Why would I?  "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."  ...I refuse to be one of those insane people... living to struggle, struggling to live.


I can't explain why I laid in bed so many nights thinking, "This is not where I'm supposed to be.  This is not for me.  This isn't giving me what I need," but stayed there.  The only reasoning I can come to is... I have a big heart.  I'm rarely selfish.  Sounds like I'm paying myself a compliment... but I swear I'm not.


Selfish can be really good.  Nay, selfish can be AMAZING.  Selfish is especially becoming of a thirsty, twenty-seven year old woman with no chains... nothing holding me back... no responsibilities... and nobody to answer to.

Selfish would look good on me.  Selfish would look so good on me, in fact, that it would put me in a Christian Dior Couture, red-carpet-event dress and employ a glam squad of at least 20 people to make me look fabulous.  Selfish would feel so good that it would then put me on the arm of an Armani-suited Ryan Gosling  ...and I'd be tuggin' on his skinny, double windsor all night suckin' face, ya feel me?

Selfish would be that goooooood.  Haha.


So fuck!  Why am I not selfish?!


I don't know if it's nature or nurture that made me SUCK at being selfish.  Is being a doormat traceable in your DNA?  My mother was a person who gave too much.  I would get angry at her for not spoiling herself... and here I am:  Little Miss Hypocrisy.  Way to go, Danielle.  Swell.  Did I learn this from her?


I'm too afraid to hurt people.... in turn... I'm shorting myself.


I'm working on it.


No, not the hurting people part.

Being more honest to get my needs met!  I need to ask for help when I need it. I need to learn to say no.  I need to learn to stop doing things to people-please!



Danielle first.


My mother used to call me Brutus.  ...her ruthless one.  Somewhere along the way of her illness, her death, and grieving her loss...  I stopped being a god damn pirate with a loud mouth and turned into a little lamb.  I've always had a big heart... but... life humbled me far too much.



Far too much humbling has a word...


Fear.


No more of that nonsense.




The other day I asked someone who knew me all through my school years what I was like back then.  "You were the girl who spoke her mind.  Everybody heard you.  You had an opinion.  Everyone knew it.  You stuck to your guns.  Big mouth.  Big heart."



That was who I was before I ever knew ANY hardship that would frighten me into being the wuss-bag I am today.  I'd never been broken.



I'd like to be that person again.  I should be that person.  Because truly...  all the lousy shit in your life should turn you into an optimist!  It primes you to handle anything!  ...I know there is nothing... nothing I can't handle.



I'm very fortunate, ya know, despite anything bad that's ever happened to me.

I've had so much good in my life.  I'm lucky I had my mother at all.  What an amazing person.  Nobody will love me like that ever again.  I'm lucky that I've learned what it's like to lose everything.  I appreciate the things I do have and the good things happening to me even more.  I'm lucky I've had some shitty boyfriends, haha.  I know what a man is and isn't.  I know who I want and who I don't want.  I'm lucky I've had my patience tested because now I have nerves of steel.  I'm lucky I've had to carry other people, because it's made me reliable and strong.  I'm lucky I've learned crisis, loss, and grief...  life will never throw me a curveball I can't hit.



Danielle:  Brick. Shit. House.  





Hindsight.  I was only half-living my life.


Denial.  I refused to see it.



My self-prescribed Remedy?  I'm going to fucking see the world.  :)  Embrace it.  Be spontaneous.  See it all.





That way when I'm laying in bed at night... after seeing everything I needed to see... I will know that's exactly where I'm meant to be.



Danielle